strangs (threads, sutras, thoughts)

I haven’t been writing much, basically just these little entries I manage to get down here and over on my Patreon. A asked me the other night if the writing about my practice was just as important as the practice. I really wanted to say no, but I think, actually, perhaps, the writing is the art. Whatever that distinction means. I write to think and it is perhaps the only way I know how to think or perhaps it’s the only way I know to transform my thinking. In that way, it’s a very private endeavor but I’ve found that unless I am writing to an audience (even if it is to one) I don’t labor through the details enough to get to more than just communicating what I’m already able to articulate. I end up feeling my way to a thought which isn’t thinking. Valuable, but different than thinking. Thinking is building and in writing I get to a place I didn’t know until I wrote there.

Things I want to meditate on now:

what I want in a romantic partnership

obsession with sun bleached everything

publication with Aimee

I’m the Big Bang

camper as bedroom

I’ve had several people resurface in the last week or so. R being one of them. I’ve been observing myself in relation to all people because I shifted all at once. It was a long process but then the moment came about like a birth or a flight. It’s now different than it was.

But I’m especially interested in how I am now relating to men. R was the center of my entire adult life and now he isn’t. I won’t put anyone there again. I’m totally content without a partner but I also feel called to be in one. I’m coming around to believing that, at least for me, eros is the context that is the pathway for further liberation, wholeness, and healing. I want to practice, in the realm where I am most intense and mysterious to myself, trust. I want to practice revealing myself and witnessing another without fear (possession, control).

This is the case. And also, I am uninterested in actively seeking this. Or perhaps it is clearer to say that this seeking is of one gesture which looks like paying good and close attention to the flow in which I am.

I’m increasingly convinced that all that ails us can be relieved in an instant, it has been a long process but then, all of a sudden it will be different because we will have stopped pretending otherwise. We will re-member ourselves to the Big Bang, nothing has gone wrong ever since except that our incongruous thinking creates a reality of suffering. I think there is no need to fear anyone or anything and I want to learn that at my most intimate core. The level of trust and communication that I want to experience is a part of the collective healing because my shift necessitates shifts elsewhere. This is the is-ness of interconnection.

My lawn (tiny forest) is getting wildly out of hand. I think I will begin a project about adhering to city codes, which will of course be subversive. I’ve contemplated running for a position in local government. I know how crazy that sounds but I think I’d like to advocate for a more playful/flexible governance.

I’ve been (lightly) working on a painting which is how I’ve been doing everything lately. I’m being very attentive and caring but I’m interested in things doing things “by themselves”.

On an unrelated (but as we know nothing is unrelated) note, I’d like to find someone who has Apple TV and would also like to watch Home with me.

This session has ended though my thoughts are have not reached their farthest extensions. Next time.