astral travel notes: upon learning that my birth cards are empress/hanged man

day 1

waxing crescent

cycle day 17

page of cups

61 degrees, cloudy

I’m declaring today day one because I need to begin and I also I need a container to hold the experience of letting things end. I’m very afraid and disoriented. All the pieces are moving and the energy of it is overwhelming my nervous system. I haven’t bought the tent because I’m afraid of letting go of the money. I haven’t rented the rooms yet, was hoping to square that away so that my overhead might be manageable. I’m also afraid of committing to this. I talk to the lawyer to begin divorce this week, we started splitting the time with the kids 50/50 and I am so totally heartbroken by the pain of their absence. I’m experimenting with alternative methods for finding patronage which is a whole project and essay I’ll wrastle another time.

I have an apartment’s worth of furniture in addition to my own in the living room. Someone gifted it to me for the tent, I’m going to trust that this is my nudge to get the thing but I haven’t taken any action yet. I’ve got a lot of self-doubt. I’m short-tempered with the kids.

I am aware of how boring this is but I’m committing to keeping daily entries, I think it will help me move along so that I can access the more interesting parts and also be an archive for whatever form this project takes. I have a lot of heart, what often feels like too much, I’m terribly maladapted and struggling.

One thing I know about myself is that I won’t stay here but I maybe have to take note of it so that I might begin to surrender to the abundance, the bravery, and the latent creativity waiting in the seed of whatever it is I am (doing?).

photo cred: Aimee Riveley, The Sparrows Eye